the signs as Bob’s Burgers quotes

Aries: My life is more difficult than anyone else on the planet. And yes, I’m including starving children, so don’t ask.
Taurus: If you need me, I’ll be on the floor. Dying.
Gemini: Summer is awful. There’s too much pressure to enjoy yourself.
Cancer: Mommy doesn’t get drunk. She just has fun.
Leo: I got a tool to remove security tags! Next Christmas is on me!
Virgo: Ooh, mini croissants! No matter what I say, stop me when I’ve had sixteen.
Libra: Was it obvious I don’t care?
Scorpio: I’m no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.
Sagittarius: What is this feeling I’m feeling right now? It’s like I’m sad for another person? Is that a thing? AM I GOING CRAZY?
Capricorn: Okay, fine. But I’m gonna complain the whole time.
Aquarius: Hey, daytime whiskey, wanna meet my CD collection?
Pisces: I don’t need a boy to pay attention to me. I’ll pay attention to myself.